


i can feel it in my bones

by valentinehoax



Series: equally afraid of losing another person [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysmorphia, Hopeful Ending, Hybrid AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, un-beta'd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentinehoax/pseuds/valentinehoax
Summary: Just because Yuta has a bad attitude doesn't mean he's a bad person. (Except for the whole bird eating thing, he's never truly attacked anyone.) He would say he's misunderstood. An un-dog-like dog hybrid, an alien of sorts.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Nakamoto Yuta & Jung Jaehyun & Kim Doyoung
Series: equally afraid of losing another person [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020219
Kudos: 31





	i can feel it in my bones

Yuta is not known for kindness. He's known for many things—coming home with blood around his mouth at odd hours, brushing away the questions of the humans running the orphanage, and most significantly, having no attachment to any other hybrid. It's because of this he's never been adopted; his ire towards anyone else that comes near him drives off any prospective adopters. Yuta would say in his defense that he's simply never been _asked_ why he behaves like this. Yuta has never been given that opportunity, so he refuses to communicate to the owners of the orphanage.

They say he's a dog hybrid. Yuta doesn't think so. He's leaner than the other dog hybrids, with sharper teeth. He doesn't search for affection nor does he want to pack with the other dog hybrids. All the others—from dogs to cats to rabbits—shy away from him. _Especially_ rabbits, and no one seems to have any answers. He just knows there's a monster inside him, and he doesn't know what to do about it.

Just because Yuta has a bad attitude doesn't mean he's a bad person, though. (Except for the whole bird eating thing, he's never truly attacked anyone.) He would say he's misunderstood. An un-dog-like dog hybrid, a Japanese born man now living in Korea. He's an alien, and every time a cat hybrid hisses at him, he feels that settle into his being all the more.

"Yuta." The gentle voice rouses Yuta from his sleep. He opens an eye, glaring at the door. He's lounging on the bottom bunk in an empty room, the others all unwilling to share with him.

"What." Yuta speaks in a series of short sounds. Taeyong, one of the human owners of the orphanage, doesn't flinch. Yuta likes that about him.

Taeyong takes Yuta's words as a sign to enter. He gingerly sits on the edge of Yuta's bunk, Yuta moving his leg to make room.

"The orphanage is getting full," Taeyong picks his words carefully. "I'm afraid we're out of beds."

Yuta knows what Taeyong is asking, but he plays dumb. Like a dumb dog—the way everyone wants him to be.

"Shove another bunk in someone's room," Yuta says carelessly.

Taeyong frowns. "I was hoping they'd share with you."

Yuta bares his teeth, sitting up. "They're all afraid." _Of me, you're the only one speaks to me_ , is what Yuta leaves unsaid. Taeyong knows what he means.

"Yuta," Taeyong pleads, "The orphanage is crowded. We're the only ones with two spare beds, and they're both in your room."

It's the idea of Taeyong being the only one who will take them in that sways Yuta. He knows what that means; it's not that the other places can't. They won't, probably deciding the two orphans were too much to deal with. Yuta can relate to that feeling—he'd been passed around like a blunt at a frat's party until he finally landed in Taeyong's place. He knows if Taeyong hadn't been so kind, Yuta would have nowhere to go.

"Fine," Yuta grumbles. He flattens his pointy ears on his head. Taeyong smiles, patting Yuta on the head. Yuta wishes he can enjoy that contact like the other dogs.

* * *

The two new orphans are greeted by everyone except for Yuta. Yuta's greeting went south when one of the caretakers got too close and Yuta growled but didn't bark. He had then snapped in the face of one of the rabbit hybrids, making the hybrid piss themselves.

Looking back, Yuta thinks it's funny. The first time he laughed about it in front of Taeyong, he got an angry glare and a scolding.

He returns in the late afternoon because of the cold. He creeps through the back door, ignoring the whispers of the cats as he brushes past them to climb the stairs. Surprisingly, Taeyong doesn't intercept Yuta on his way up.

Yuta's bedroom door is slightly ajar. The new hybrids are here, Yuta thinks, bracing himself as he swings open the door.

His bunk is in its usual place off to one side, and a bed has been added on the other side. A new chest of drawers has been added next to Yuta's, although Yuta only ever used the top drawer. The two hybrids are standing in front of the new chest of drawers, whispering. They both freeze in place when Yuta opens the door.

When he steps inside, they turn around slowly to face him. One is a dog hybrid, like Yuta—but not as lean, although he has the same amber tint to his gaze. The other is a rabbit—with big ears and a lot of fidgeting fingers.

"Hello, I'm–"

Yuta ignores the dog, flopping onto his bunk and closing his eyes. Clearly startled, the dog cuts himself off before beginning again.

"Hello, I'm Jaehyun, and this is Doyoung."

Yuta doesn't respond. 

"You must be Yuta," Jaehyun continues, "I'll take the top bunk and Doyoung will take the bed, if you don't mind."

Yuta remains still. He hears Doyoung whisper something, making Yuta's ear twitch. With a sigh Yuta sits up, opening his eyes and glancing at the number of things the pair brought with them. They had at least triple the number Yuta has ever owned in his entire life, which leads Yuta to assume they've been in a good place before this.

"I don't use the bottom drawer of mine," he says, avoiding looking at their faces. "If you need to use that go ahead."

There was a beat of silence. Doyoung visibly brightens, his rabbit ears perking up and he moves to it, pulling it open and off-loading clothing.

Yuta lies back down and closes his eyes.

* * *

Yuta wakes up feeling overly warm. He can feel breath on his face on both sides, tickling his skin. There's a weight on his body, making it difficult to move.

He opens his eyes to see the sleeping faces of Doyoung and Jaehyun curled up on either side of him. Yuta doesn't move, his confusion trapping him. Why they have chosen to do this is beyond him, and deep down it makes him realize he is starved for physical affection.

But he is not a dog, so he shoves Doyoung off the bed, followed by Jaehyun.

Doyoung squeaks then squeaks again when Jaehyun lands on him, both of them waking and sitting up immediately. Jaehyun rubs an eye as they disentangle.

"Yuta? Sorry about that," Jaehyun says sheepishly, looking unapologetic. Doyoung nods along.

Yuta feels his lips curl. Normally this is because of aggression—normally other hybrids flinch and run away, which awakens an animalistic urge to chase them, hunt them down. Yuta is also half-human, so despite the temptation, he's never actually. Even the other dogs whimper and submit, rolling over, but never in the way Yuta seemed to want.

Not that he knows what he wants. He just knows what he _doesn't_.

Instead of the usual flinching, Jaehyun simply sits back and stares at Yuta. There's almost a connection between the two, and for a moment Yuta's not sure he's won. But then Jaehyun lowers his head to Yuta. Doyoung watches the exchange, still fidgeting. For the first time, Yuta feels no urge to hunt. Instead a peculiar sense of acceptance washes over him, and the vague displeasure he had at sharing his living space with the two fades away.

Yuta exhales, nodding. "It's fine," Yuta says. "But why?"

"Warm," Doyoung speaks. It's the first time he addresses Yuta directly. "We're not used to sleeping separately."

Yuta arches an eyebrow. "I'm not used to sleeping with others. I'm uncomfortable with it." As soon as he says that, he realizes it's a lie. He wasn't uncomfortable, and the lie doesn't sit well with him. He clambers out of the bed, walking past the kneeling pair and grabbing clothes.

"Whatever," he mumbles, "it's breakfast."

* * *

Breakfast is a quiet affair. Apparently they're one of the last to eat, something that makes Doyoung and Jaehyun apologise for. This apology comes across as sincere. Yuta rolls his eyes and grabs the food Taeyong holds out to him. He normally eats late to avoid the others; the last time he tried to join them, half of them left the table with their meals untouched.

"You don't need to say any shit like that to the humans," he tells them as he sits opposite to them. Doyoung begins eating immediately, but Jaehyun waits until Yuta has put food his mouth before picking up his utensils.

Doyoung stiffens. "We're half-human."

Yuta rolls his eyes again, narrowing them at Doyoung. He jabs at them with his chopsticks, Jaehyun watching the movement.

"Half-human," Yuta mocks, "and yet we're shoved into an orphanage. Taeyong's the only decent human."

Jaehyun and Doyoung share a look, but say nothing more.

Yuta abandons his roommates after finishing his meal, heading outdoors immediately. He thinks they'll join the classes or activities the other orphan children—yet another thing in a long list of things Yuta wishes he could do. Wished, he corrects himself, he's no longer a helpless boy trying to learn a new language.

The orphanage is surrounded by a grove, a pale imitation of a forest. It suits Yuta better than the suffocating cities, although it's a poor replacement for the wilderness Yuta enjoys. It's been a while since he's gone hiking, or even sank his teeth into live flesh.

"Yuta?" A voice calls, and Yuta freezes. No one typically bothers seeking him out.

"Jaehyun," Yuta says cautiously, turning and acknowledging his presence. Doyoung follows closely behind.

When Yuta looks at Jaehyun, his tail starts wagging and his ears perk up in Yuta's direction. If Yuta didn't know any better, he'd believe Jaehyun somehow likes being around Yuta. Especially when Jaehyun seems eager to talk, eyes lit up and a half-smile on his lips.

(No one likes being around Yuta.)

He glances at Doyoung. The rabbit hybrid is looking at Yuta, but doesn't seem afraid. Just full of a nervous energy Yuta finds unusual even for rabbits.

"I want to talk to you," Jaehyun says in a sing-song voice. "About being a wolf."

Yuta frowns in puzzlement, the word feeling like a slap in the face. He's not a wolf—he was tested once, and he failed miserably. A bunch of humans and their stupid ways, trying to force Yuta's value up instead of actually helping.

"I'm not a wolf."

"Oh," Jaehyun says. He frowns. "But you're like me."

Yuta looks at Jaehyun curiously. He side-eyes Doyoung, then sits down on the ground, crossing his legs. The pair move closer to Yuta, joining him in his spot. Their knees brush against Yuta, and Doyoung twitches like he wants to move even closer. Even in the outdoors, Yuta can feel their warmth. He's barely known them for a day, and yet this is the closest he's come to having hybrid friends.

(He's scared.)

"We're both dogs," Yuta says cautiously, making Jaehyun bristle.

"I'm not a dog," Jaehyun snaps, "I'm a wolf. I'm wild, just like how Doyoung's not a rabbit."

Yuta blinks. "What is he, then?"

"I'm a hare." Doyoung's voice is strong and steady. The tentative nature he had back in the orphanage building evaporates under the midday sun, the rabbit—no, the hare—draws himself up to his full height seated. It doesn't intimidate Yuta in the slightest, but it does add to Doyoung's credibility.

"We're wolves," Jaehyun insists, grabbing Yuta's thigh. Yuta eyes Jaehyun's hand. "Didn't you feel something, like you wanted to pack with me?"

"No." Yuta takes Jaehyun in—the other dog...or wolf—hybrid stares at Yuta pleadingly. His ears are drooping, the amber tint in his eyes taking on a new light as Jaehyun tears up. Frustration, Yuta presumes, because how can he cry in sadness over a dog hybrid he's just met.

"Jaehyun." Yuta removes his hand from his thigh, placing it back in Jaehyun's lap. "They tested me when I was younger. Taeyong sent me to the clinic. They didn't think I was a wolf."

Jaehyun lowers his head. It takes a lot for Yuta to interpret this as a sign of thought rather than an act of submission.

"They're wrong. How can humans know hybrids better than we know each other?"

"Jaehyun—I'm just an un-dog-like dog hybrid. That's all."

"Then I'll treat you like a dog," Jaehyun says with determination. His mouth forms a flat line. "You won't mind then, surely." He leans over to run a hand through Yuta's hair. Yuta responds with a growl lodged in the back of his throat.

Doyoung smiles at the exchange, exchanging a glance with Yuta. Jaehyun nods. Doyoung pounces on Yuta, wrapping his arms around Yuta's waist and squeezing.

"Good dog," he coos.

"I'm not a fucking-"

* * *

For the next month or so this becomes routine. Yuta wakes up with them in his bed and he shoves them out. They eat breakfast together, Yuta complaining about Taeyong (and Taeyong occasionally chiming in with his own criticisms of Yuta). They go outside and Jaehyun and Doyoung continue to rain attention on Yuta. They steal lunch from the kitchens and continue to spend time outside. By dinner Yuta is sick of them, so he finds a quiet corner and has a moment of peace. The three then go to their separate beds and go to sleep.

There's a hole in his chest that's expanding. Yuta doesn't know what this feeling is called, but he's more afraid of it than he is of the monster in him that wants to hunt deer. One day the duo will see Yuta as a the un-dog-like dog he really is—unadoptable because of his disposition, unable to find an in-between for his canine desire to bite and his human desire to suppress. An ugly dog, probably a mutt of some kind.

One particular night, Yuta doesn't sleep. It's for no particular reason—he just doesn't feel as tired as normal, so each time he dozes off is short. He wakes to hear Doyoung and Jaehyun whispering to each other. Yuta forces himself to remain still on his side, back to the wall and facing outwards.

"He's not as threatening as everyone made him seem," Doyoung is whispering, lifting the edge of Yuta's blanket. Yuta lets him, resisting the urge to surge upwards and tackle Doyoung. "Before we arrived, it was all horror stories."

"Taeyong did say they were mostly lies," Jaehyun murmurs back. He can feel Jaehyun's weight press on the foot of the bed as Jaehyun makes his way up, slumping next to Yuta. His breath fans Yuta's face as he says in a barely-there voice, "I'm glad we met him. He feels like home."

"Definitely home," Doyoung says. As usual, he opts to slip under the blankets, unlike Jaehyun's habit of staying on top of them. What isn't usual is Doyoung gently taking Yuta by the waist, slinging a leg over Yuta's. Jaehyun hums, his own arms hugging Yuta, his leg slung over Doyoung's.

Yuta doesn't sleep for the rest of the night, listening to how their breaths even out into slumber. 

Doyoung and Jaehyun climb out of bed when they see the the morning sunlight peeking through the curtains. Yuta feigns sleep for a moment before pretending as if he woke. Jaehyun gives him a suspicious look and Yuta looks innocently back.

"Sleep well?" Jaehyun asks. It's not a normal question for him to ask.

"Yes," Yuta replies. 

"You hear us talking about you last night?" Jaehyun is nearing Yuta, putting a hand on Yuta's knee as if testing the waters. Sensing no resistance, he climbs back onto the bed and sits on Yuta's legs still outstretched in front of him.

Yuta freezes when the question registers, Doyoung eyeing the pair of them.

"How do you know?" Doyoung asks, addressing Jaehyun.

"I know what his heartbeat sounds like," Jaehyun explains, "I'm surprised you didn't notice." He flashes a cheeky smile at Doyoung then turns back to Yuta, expression serious. "We meant it. We really do like your company."

"I'm not doubting that."

"Of course, that's why you didn't get any sleep." Jaehyun sighs, running a hand through his hair. Doyoung, not one to be left out, sits on the edge of the bed, taking Yuta's hand. "Yuta, I do want to pack with you," Jaehyun continues forcefully, with enough room in his tone to give Yuta an out. "You're the easiest person I've ever been around."

Yuta grimaces. "By pack, you mean a wolf pack, right?"

"Of course. Mating would be a bit quick. And don't forget—half-human, and humans can see friends as family members too."

"Maybe he'd believe you more if he knew for certain he's a wolf," Doyoung points out. His thumb is rubbing circles on the back of Yuta's hand. "Get a DNA test or something, instead of those damn behavioural ones. We all know humans don't understand anything about us."

Jaehyun's ears perk, hope shining from his eyes. "Please, Yuta," he says through his pout. "Even if it turns out I'm wrong, at least we'll know for certain."

"You're the only people who think I'm a wolf, even though there aren't any wolves in Japan anymore."

"But there were once," Jaehyun argues. He cups Yuta's cheeks, still pouting. "Please ask Taeyong about it."

Yuta relents with a nod. Only these two can talk him into anything, he thinks as the duo exchange a high five in celebration.

* * *

When Yuta proposes the idea to Taeyong, he instantly agrees and arranges everything. Taeyong seems excited to do it, something Yuta tries his best to ignore—if he lingers too long on it, he starts to think of Taeyong like all the other humans. Taeyong has never treated Yuta as a commodity, and if that view is altered, Yuta thinks he'll break under the stress of it.

Taeyong orders the kit from the local government office, scrapes the side of Yuta's inner cheek, then sends it off. Taeyong hugs Yuta as soon as it's posted, murmuring a thank you.

"Why?" Yuta leans away from the touch.

Eyes glistening, Taeyong says, "because you've found friends."

Yuta understands why Taeyong is emotional. For so long he's wallowed in his own misery, full of self-pity and anger at how he's regarded in hybrid society. His past owners who treated him like a circus act, the humans that prodded him in all directions to try and apply monetary value on him, and the way the system rejects him because he doesn't fit in with the other hybrids.

When Yuta asks Taeyong if this was planned, Taeyong denies it.

"How will I know if you'd get along with the new hybrids?" Taeyong asks Yuta, not unkindly. Yuta agrees, but he wanted to make sure. Taeyong seems truthful, anyway.

The other human owner of the orphanage—a man named Taeil, who Yuta never really trusted—begins asking Yuta everyday if he wanted to join them in their plans. The other hybrids all seem frightened at the prospect, so Yuta always turns them down.

Deep down, he also can't find it in him to forgive them. He knows he's aggressive and with a streak of predatory behaviour, but he doesn't think this justifies complete ostracism.

When the results arrive in the following week, Taeyong calls out for Yuta. They're in Taeyong's office, Jaehyun's tail out and wagging, Doyoung strangely still. Yuta experiences a strange detachment to the situation as Taeyong opens the letter and reads it quickly.

"You're part Japanese wolf," Taeyong says quietly, expression unreadable. Yuta feels his stomach drop, reality crashing into him in the body of Jaehyun, who leaps onto Yuta with a massive hug.

"I knew it," Jaehyun exclaims, lifting Yuta up. Doyoung is laughing, joining them in the group hug. Yuta, overwhelmed, can only gape and reaches for the letter when his feet touch the ground again.

Taeyong hands it to him and Yuta skims it. Taeyong breaks into a smile as he watches the trio, eyes glowing as he watched them.

Jaehyun presses his cheek against Yuta's shoulder, also reading over the letter; they both see the name _canis lupus hopophilax (japanese wolf, nihon oukami)_ in neat characters on the paper. Yuta fixates on that term, ears moving back. Jaehyun rubs his back in comfort but Yuta shakes him off. Hurt floods Jaehyun's eyes, but Yuta can't bring himself to care.

"I'm not a dog hybrid." Yuta feels empty. He thought he'd feel relief at any form of confirmation, having spent a life of living as something distinctly un-dog-like, with a constant question mark hanging over his ears. A dog that's not a dog, a Japanese man not in Japan.

He lets the paper fall out of his hands. He exits the office, hearing Jaehyun call after him and Taeyong murmuring something to him; probably holding them back from bothering Yuta. Although it's appreciated, he can't help but be reminded of how he was when he first arrived at the orphanage.

(Lonely.)

* * *

Yuta finds himself lying on his bed, facing the wall, on top of the blankets. As he lies there, he wants Jaehyun and Doyoung to walk in and tell him it'll work out. He wants Taeyong to open the door and tell him he'll find a friend eventually. Hell, he'll even accept Taeil coming up to bother him about not getting along with the others—anything to break the thundering drums in his ears.

As if summoned, the door creaks open then shut and two pairs of feet creak across the floor. Yuta doesn't move, fearing they'd leave. He feels two warm bodies sit on the bed, their weight pressing against the mattress. One of them—Doyoung, based on the hand that pats his stomach—whispers something inaudible to Jaehyun.

"I wanted to change my body," Yuta says suddenly, breaking the fragile silence. "My ears and my tail, my teeth, the way the muscle is on it." Ears that are just slightly different, a tail that's too short, teeth that are too sharp, a body shape too lean. He's fine with being foreign—he likes being Japanese, like how he likes his mother who sang him lullabies. He knows he can go back to Osaka once he's older and found a job. But being an alien—something unnamed, something that terrifies everyone, something that means he can't be adopted—that is what he'd change about himself.

"I thought I was some kind of fucked up mutant." He has no idea why he's even telling these two this. They've only known Yuta for a month, and he knows he'll likely drive them away with this admission. "I really wanted to be just an ordinary dog. No one could tell me what I was and what I wasn't." His breath catches in his throat, and he feels Jaehyun curl against his legs with a whimper. "So now that we know—now that I know I'm a...a wolf—what the hell am I meant to do?"

The duo are quiet until Doyoung speaks. "You're the only person who knows that."

"I don't want to be a wolf."

"I didn't either," Jaehyun says quietly.

"Am I meant to pack?" Yuta asks the wall.

"Lone wolves are a thing in the wild," Doyoung says casually. "I read that about fifteen percent are lone wolves."

"I don't want to be alone again."

"You won't be," Doyoung promises. "You have us."

Yuta wants to see Doyoung's expression. At the same time, he doesn't want the pity. "But aren't you worried about this?"

"No. I trust Jaehyun, and I trust you." Doyoung speaks with a finality Yuta can't argue with. He doesn't understand anything that's happening; why he's unable to process this information, why he can't accept them into his life.

Yuta sniffles. He hasn't cried since the first time he was abandoned. Then a tear falls out, chased by more until a sob rips through his chest, threatening to break his ribs. The duo respond immediately, Doyoung cradling Yuta from behind and Jaehyun lying flat on top of Yuta, burying his face in Yuta's neck. Yuta breaks.

(He hopes they'll still be around to help him put himself back together.)

**Author's Note:**

> the title and the series titles is from wayv's domino


End file.
